The Great Satire of Romantic Zelda Fiction
by Phantwo
Summary: A very odd satire of bad Zelda romance, fully utilising hyperbole and sarcasm, without intentions of bashing any particular pairing though the key players are Link and Zelda. Read if you've a sense of humour and a taste for the bizarre.


**The Great Satire of Romantic Zelda Fiction  
**_By the author formerly known as Phantwo the Great (now known as Phantwo the Daring)_

Zelda sat in her room, heaving an overdramatic sigh. She looked out her window in dismay. Link hadn't been by the castle in three days, and she had begun to miss him. She loved him and wished he loved her; but she knew he didn't, because he had that Malon chick, and who would choose a princess over a ranch girl, anyway? Obviously, no one with any sense! Zelda could choose between crying like a baby, sighing like a six-year-old, or screaming at all the palace guards like a two-year-old that she wanted her little Linky-poo and they had darn well better get that stupid boy back to the palace.

She decided that would not do, not at all. So, she heaved a sigh instead, making sure the decibel level was sufficient for everyone in the palace to hear, and whimpered piteously, secretly hoping that she could rouse their sympathy, if nothing else. Everyone knew, of course, that only Link could fill the hole left in her life.

She had not overruled tears, she realised a moment later. And so she flopped herself onto her giant bed and let them come. She was so immersed in her sniffles that she almost didn't hear the clop of hoofs on the cobblestones out the window.

Almost. She jumped up to look . . .

. . . and suddenly Link was there, in her bedroom, embracing her with his big, muscular, big arms and kissing her cheeks and her face and her cheeks and her forehead and her complexion, gushing with expressions of love.

"Oh, Zelda," he screeched for all the palace to hear, "I love you so much and every other overly sappy sentiment that other authors have written at least ten times! I understand that this speech is coming from nowhere, but it doesn't matter as long as I love you, right, Zelda? I have no motivation whatsoever, and obviously no character because the author has given me no background in this story, but I _do_ love you, and I am materialising out of nowhere, for no reason, at the most convenient time I possibly can just so I can save you from your sorrow and self-pity! Oh, Zelda, do I ever love you, and will you marry me?"

"Oh, yes, Link!" she replied, clinging to him for all she was worth. "It was so good of you to come, right when I needed you! How I've longed to hear your lips form those words, to hear your beguiling voice embracing that articulate and uncalled-for speech! My character is underdeveloped, but everyone is still going to love this fic, because I love you and because we kiss at the end!"

Link nodded, and in accordance with her statement, he kissed her. They let all their feelings into that one kiss, which was perfectly chaste and emotional, and completely uninvolved, since the author has no doubt never been kissed and doesn't know how much better a terrifically sinful kiss conveys ardent sentiments. But what an emotional and passionate kiss it was! There was no need for a plot or a story, just this kiss. And what a beautiful story it made, devoid of anything resembling good writing but ending with this kiss. That made the whole thing grand. Oh, yes.

**--End--**

**Author's note:** Have a sense of humour. You really don't think I was serious, do you? If so, then flame away. Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed this sarcastic little vignette making fun of Zelda romance fanfiction in general.** (In other words, this fic is not anti-Zelink, nor is it anti-Zelda, and if you had any intentions of reviewing me telling me, "Wow! I hate Zelda, too!" please abandon those notions now. I don't hate Zelda. Never have, never shall.)**

**Since this story was original posted on 2 July 2003, I have changed its title and the author's notes (not the fic itself, nor its accompanying reviews) due to an influx of Malink fans who misunderstood the fic because of its misleading title. Mind, I've nothing against Malink, but this story was not written with intentions of _promoting_ that pairing. Sorry for any confusion!**

There is a second fic of a similar nature coming in the future. I don't know when, but it'll be when I finish it. Thanks for reading and, hopefully, for understanding—and even more hopefully, for reviewing. *grin*


End file.
